I hear the Queer Eye guys in my head whenever I shave. Does this happen to any of you men? They're on an imaginary closed-circuit monitor watching everything I do in my bathroom. "Wrong!" they shout when I begin to shave my neck in two directions, and I feel frustrated because I wish they knew that my hair grows down by my chin and up by my adam's apple, so I need to shave that way.
But I shave slowly, and I imagine them praising me for that. "He's a good shaver," they say. And I feel proud.
I am not hit on by gay men and this bothers me; It always has. Women are more low-key so I don't expect them to come on so openly, and my luck with them has been ridiculous anyway so I have no complaints. But men are men no matter who they want to sleep with; and when you think about it, if you're a hetero man in this era, the best barometer of your sexiness should be the open gawk, passing glance or inappropriate men's room proposition from that guy with the abs who smells nice.
But I'm kidding myself, really. My luck with women has always been Woody Allen-esque. I'm a charming, small self-deprecator with some talents. Women go for talent. Men go for looks. And men have never found me attractive--even the heterosexual ones. I've witnessed a lot of hetero men openly and easily trust their girlfriends with me, like I was voted Least Likely to Steal Your Girlfriend. And at this point, I'm engaged and happy and my dating morals are not Woody Allen-esque anymore, so you can trust me. It's true.
But a man needs to feel pretty and boyfriend-threatening. It wouldn't be such a bad thing if a straight woman gawked at me while I passed her by, but I'd probably think she was a little doped. A gay man gawking, though: that's credibility.
In the mean time, I can try to dress well and shave carefully, offer my guests drinks and learn how to make creme brule. And I can pray that the five little gay men in my head will praise me too, or at least stop yelling "NO!" when I take off my underwear in the bathroom.
I heard about a study once that found women are sexually attracted to men who clean. At the very least, when I'm at home, I can hope for a pinch in the ass while I vacuum. Until next time...
But I shave slowly, and I imagine them praising me for that. "He's a good shaver," they say. And I feel proud.
I am not hit on by gay men and this bothers me; It always has. Women are more low-key so I don't expect them to come on so openly, and my luck with them has been ridiculous anyway so I have no complaints. But men are men no matter who they want to sleep with; and when you think about it, if you're a hetero man in this era, the best barometer of your sexiness should be the open gawk, passing glance or inappropriate men's room proposition from that guy with the abs who smells nice.
But I'm kidding myself, really. My luck with women has always been Woody Allen-esque. I'm a charming, small self-deprecator with some talents. Women go for talent. Men go for looks. And men have never found me attractive--even the heterosexual ones. I've witnessed a lot of hetero men openly and easily trust their girlfriends with me, like I was voted Least Likely to Steal Your Girlfriend. And at this point, I'm engaged and happy and my dating morals are not Woody Allen-esque anymore, so you can trust me. It's true.
But a man needs to feel pretty and boyfriend-threatening. It wouldn't be such a bad thing if a straight woman gawked at me while I passed her by, but I'd probably think she was a little doped. A gay man gawking, though: that's credibility.
In the mean time, I can try to dress well and shave carefully, offer my guests drinks and learn how to make creme brule. And I can pray that the five little gay men in my head will praise me too, or at least stop yelling "NO!" when I take off my underwear in the bathroom.
I heard about a study once that found women are sexually attracted to men who clean. At the very least, when I'm at home, I can hope for a pinch in the ass while I vacuum. Until next time...
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