I'm from New England so I'm rude. Or more accurately, I keep to myself a lot and I consider a lot of politeness fake. We New Englanders don't consider ourselves rude, mind you. We consider ourselves real.
I was pretty stunned by the level of friendliness in the midwest and have never entirely been comfortable with it. Compared to Boston, Chicago is a very friendly town. One thing that I've never been very good at is saying hello to people I don't know. Seems odd to me, or like I'm a freshman in college again.
There's this guy I see every single day on my way to the Western El stop. He's shorter than I am (which is short) and probably in his sixties. He's overweight and walks like he's a bit bull-legged. He wears a Cubs hat every day. He has a really big mouth, I think, and pock-marked skin. He started smiling at me one day, as if to say hello. This was a few months ago. It was then that I reallized that I pass him every day. I think this was his way of being real. After all, if you pass someone every day on the street, that's a relationship--according to the Buddhists it's even a relationship with karmic significance--and maybe you're a faker if you ignore it.
Nevertheless, I felt taken aback by this and for a few days wondered if I knew this guy, if he were some neighbor I had never noticed. Finally I started smiling back at him. As the weeks went by, his smiles got bigger and bigger, and he even began to add a nod to it while he hobbled by. Then he would smile and nod well before he got anywhere near me.
This was too much for me to reciprocate. I still have to pretend like I don't notice him until he's a few feet away. I don't know why. I just feel compelled to respond to this man in a way that doesn't hurt his feelings. I don't respond because it feels right to me. If he hadn't started this whole relationship, I think I still wouldn't have noticed him.
Today he yet again demanded a new level of friendship from me. He said "hello". I said "hello" back as I passed, almost as stunned as the first day he smiled at me. I realized not so long ago that I connect a level of unpleasant obligation to relationships that fall outside the romantic. I used to think that I had no close friends in this town because that's what life at my age is like. It was only recently that I realized that I actively keep people at a distance, that I will even modify my behavior (pretend not to notice people as they cross the street smiling at me) so that I don't have to make friendships with them.
Maybe I'm just a New Englander who feels out of place in the Midwest. Maybe a part of me never recovered from my brother's death. Maybe the two friendships I had that went really badly in the past threw me off kilter, somehow. Maybe I'm just shy. But sometimes I think one of the hardest things in the world is having a conversation with someone new.
Anyway, it occurs to me that the Buddhists must be right, and New Englanders perhaps tend to overlook the significance of passers-by.
I was pretty stunned by the level of friendliness in the midwest and have never entirely been comfortable with it. Compared to Boston, Chicago is a very friendly town. One thing that I've never been very good at is saying hello to people I don't know. Seems odd to me, or like I'm a freshman in college again.
There's this guy I see every single day on my way to the Western El stop. He's shorter than I am (which is short) and probably in his sixties. He's overweight and walks like he's a bit bull-legged. He wears a Cubs hat every day. He has a really big mouth, I think, and pock-marked skin. He started smiling at me one day, as if to say hello. This was a few months ago. It was then that I reallized that I pass him every day. I think this was his way of being real. After all, if you pass someone every day on the street, that's a relationship--according to the Buddhists it's even a relationship with karmic significance--and maybe you're a faker if you ignore it.
Nevertheless, I felt taken aback by this and for a few days wondered if I knew this guy, if he were some neighbor I had never noticed. Finally I started smiling back at him. As the weeks went by, his smiles got bigger and bigger, and he even began to add a nod to it while he hobbled by. Then he would smile and nod well before he got anywhere near me.
This was too much for me to reciprocate. I still have to pretend like I don't notice him until he's a few feet away. I don't know why. I just feel compelled to respond to this man in a way that doesn't hurt his feelings. I don't respond because it feels right to me. If he hadn't started this whole relationship, I think I still wouldn't have noticed him.
Today he yet again demanded a new level of friendship from me. He said "hello". I said "hello" back as I passed, almost as stunned as the first day he smiled at me. I realized not so long ago that I connect a level of unpleasant obligation to relationships that fall outside the romantic. I used to think that I had no close friends in this town because that's what life at my age is like. It was only recently that I realized that I actively keep people at a distance, that I will even modify my behavior (pretend not to notice people as they cross the street smiling at me) so that I don't have to make friendships with them.
Maybe I'm just a New Englander who feels out of place in the Midwest. Maybe a part of me never recovered from my brother's death. Maybe the two friendships I had that went really badly in the past threw me off kilter, somehow. Maybe I'm just shy. But sometimes I think one of the hardest things in the world is having a conversation with someone new.
Anyway, it occurs to me that the Buddhists must be right, and New Englanders perhaps tend to overlook the significance of passers-by.
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