Credo
(this is a play from Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind. It is not about other people, but it speaks to me as an outsider. It's not currently in the menu but I'm bringing it back in a few weeks when I go back into the show.)

Credo, Go!

Andy marches onto stage with a toy rifle. He stops, pivots toward the audience and holds out the rifle. He shouts the following monologue, the way soldiers have to when they get their rifles.

This is my rifle. There are many like it but this one is mine. This rifle is not my best friend. In fact, it’s just a prop that we bought for one of my shows and we never used it. This rifle is a metaphor. Beyond that it is small and ineffectual.

I am five foot seven and weigh 140 pounds. I am small and I tire quickly. When I first joined this company, Steve had a play in that was a lot like this but it was about his bicycle. Steve is bigger than I am. Steve could kick my ass and drink me under the table.

I am not comfortable with my masculinity. I have issues. I tend to be more comfortable around women. This means that I am a sensitive guy with an understanding of women who is also heterosexual. This--plus the fact that I’m an artist--means that I can attract women who are way out of my league. Whoopdie doo. Hoo-rah.

A long time ago, attracting women who were out of my league mattered to me. It used to make me feel like a man. Not so long ago, getting attention from any woman made me feel like a man. There was a time when all I wanted at all times was to feel like a man.

I am still five foot seven and weigh 140 pounds. My fiancé is really hot and out of my league. But when I'm with her, I just feel like myself. And that’s a good thing. Fuckin’ aye.

This is my rifle. Flawed, vulnerable, harmless and at times ridiculous. This is me: skinny but still a little flabby around my mid-section. And I cried when Frodo and Sam were at the footsteps of Mount Doom. I fucking hate football and I played fantasy role-playing games like Dungeons and Dragons for thirteen years. I love my fiancé and I can’t wait to marry her. And one of the reasons I don’t go out very often is because I like staying home with her so much.

Some of my friends have called me pussy-whipped...Some of my friends are pussies. This is my rifle. And it’s mine.

Like a soldier who presents and then fires at a funeral, Andy pulls the rifle in, turns, points it at the ceiling and then fires. It is a lovely, little, pathetic sounding toy gun sound. He pivots and marches back off stage.

Curtain.